Finding The Good In The Pain....

October 21, 2016

Jaimie Rogers Editor in Chief
       

     At some point in our lives, we go through a loss. It's inevitable, it happens to all of us. Most of us walk through this life thinking we are invincible. We witness things happening to others, but never truly believe it could happen in our life. Until it does.
On this day a year ago my family lost a beloved member. It hit us hard, we didn't expect something to happen so quick. During that time my main focus was everyone else. Making sure they were okay. Making sure they were taken care of. Trying not to let them spiral downhill. I promised myself I would do everything to take care of them no matter the cost. So I did. I found some routine in the chaos.
To them I think I seemed functional, but truly I was functioning in a haze. Going through the motions of life. The hurt, the anger, the stress, it consumed me. I wasn't myself. I think I knew it deep down, but refused to address it.

Now I feel like the loss is coming again, as my grandpa grows older. His memory is going. His health is on a roller-coaster. He forgets more and more everyday.  He taught me life. He taught me so much one post can't even cover it all. About 70% of my life so far was spent with that man. He made me who I am.
 I keep telling him, "Not yet, I'm not ready." 
He tells me, "When the Lords ready I'm gonna go."

At one point I had come to hate that phrase. I would cut him off and just tell him not to say it. He knows my pain. How much it means for me, so why would he push the dagger deeper?
It wasn't until this past summer, I knew why.
 It took my pushy husband draggin' my angry butt to church every Sunday to finally wake up, and understand. 
One day I had cried enough, been angry enough, I hit my knees at that alter so hard my kids got worried there was something wrong with me. I begged for help. I begged God to help me and send me a miracle for the week. I told him even for the day if the week was too much. I had hit my breaking point, and I couldn't do it anymore. That week was the best week I had in a while. The kids didn't fight. My grandpa was in good spirits, we even had a clear deep conversation. No one stressed over bills, or money. Heck even my parents were on their best behavior. No one cried... except me. Instead of angry tears, they were silent sobs of relief. That was my sign he was listening. That was the week I woke up. I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't hazy. For the first time in a long time life was clear. I could walk outside and feel the sun again. Enjoy the birds chirping. 
I looked at my kids and thought, "Damn, I've got it good!"

I feel the blessings in my life now. I have a great family, great husband, perfect kids, and even though one of us isn't there anymore there is still a feeling of that love. I feel now like I see signs everywhere. Presence in every turn. We aren't "better now" we never will be. It's something that never goes away. But, now we see the light. It's closer. Today in my house there's positive vibes. We are all going to get through.
One day my PaPa won't hurt anymore. He will see his Louly. Today our newest angel doesn't hurt anymore. Shes with her family in Heaven now. We just have to find the good in the pain for now. One day we won't hurt anymore either.

Today I'm sending thoughts and prayers out to everyone hurting. No matter the reason for the pain, you got this. Take it one day at a time, and when your ready God's got you. I know how it feels, and now I know how it feels to heal. Everyday is a new day, just try to find the good in the day. 

One day at a time.  

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