I wrote about six posts on motherhood this past week. Erasing everyone, starting over, until I wrote this one. It's leery to post because it's so personal, but I felt like if I felt this way maybe other moms do too. Maybe too, someone out there has a different spin on it, maybe they can help me, and others like me. This is my moms honest truth.
Five years ago I would have never thought I'd be a mom. Working day in and day out, kissing boo boos, doing laundry, cleaning, even cooking, which for some that knew me before is shocking.
Truth is five years ago I almost wasn't here. I had checked out mentally, emotionally, and almost physically. From the outside I was another teen, working to get gas to go out. I would smile when talked to, laugh when something was funny, do what my boss told me to. I was a perfect little robot. I had trained my fakeness to perfection. On the inside I was screaming, ready to end it, in hopes of being happy again. No one knew. I kept so much inside it was unbearable.
Time passed, and a blonde hair, blue eyed boy came into my life. One look at him and my world changed. I had found happiness again. I was ready to live for something, him...
Now here we are, he starts school next month. I know he has to go. I want him to be smarter. To expand his brain, but I don't wanna let him go. He's been under my shadow, protected by me 24/7, I don't know what this world will do to him. I haven't been out there myself for the past five years being a SAHM. What if someone kidnaps him, what if some crazy goes ham on the school, what if he falls on the playground and I'm not there to calm him down. I swear the first time he comes home with a boo boo I won't be happy.
I know this all seems silly, and I know I can't hover him, but letting him go sucks! My husband has expressed his want for me to go to college now. I want to, but my want to be there in five minutes if the school calls is even more. Him leaving for school has to happen, I have no choice, but letting go is the hardest. No one can ever fully understand, maybe I need him more than he needs me. All I can do now is take it day by day, and smother him with my love until D-Day.